Insomnia

I’m expecting twins this coming May. With every pregnancy some discomfort is expected, but every morning at 3am these babies wake me up, and I don't return to sleep. Insomnia- I’m not so sure that’s what you can call this...When you’re sleeping peacefully and wake up to kicking or an abundance of movement, it's not insomnia. I can cure insomnia but this is not curable.

What do you do at 3am? I start to think of old things that made me happy. One of the things I remembered is a show call Insomniac with Dave Atell. This show used to be my late night snack, on days I really couldn’t sleep, he would give me something to laugh at. Dave would travel to bars, strip clubs, clubs and other places open at crazy hours in the morning (city trash dumps, warehouses, etc) in cities all over North America and some foreign countries. He would talk to anyone and make them apart of the show. It didn’t matter if you were drunk, striper, trash man, homeless, cross dresser, bartender, or just walking down the street and cross his path, you will be apart of the show. If you didn’t get anything educational out of this show you did figure out where to hang out at 4am in most cities.

It’s a shame it only lasted three years. Here’s one of my favorite clips.

A Lifetime

People wait a lifetime to meet that special someone
What if you find him/her and its just wrong timing
Would you wait
for the right time
I will and I am
This love is worth ever
Year, month, week, day, hour, minute and second
The kiss we share is like the fourth of July
You see the beautiful fire works but hear the boom seconds later
The hugs are like your face on Christmas morning
When you were 10 and spotted that new bike next to the tree
The conversations are like sitting with Nikki Giovanni
Learning all you can in a short period of time
When I walk to the car, you always trail one or two steps behind me
I wonder is it to watch me leave but still embrace my presence
Leaving the love of your life for just a day is hard
But for months and even years is like dying
The sun rises over my bed
I feel your arms around me
When the sun sets
I hear a whisper in my ear (I love you)
keeps me warm every night
When the seasons change
I know with every leaf that falls your heart is with me
When the snow flakes start to come down
I know your soul is with mine
When the trees and grass come out of hibernation
I know you are holding my spirit tight
When the sun is so hot and bright
I know you are the cool breeze keeping me cool
A lifetime is a long time
I’m willing to wait
I’m willing to wait for the love we deserve
I’m willing
I’m waiting

My Addiction

OPI nail polish. I have over 60 bottles of this polish at a retail price of $8.50 a pop, over $500 worth of polish ( Shhhhhh!! My secret but I get them for $4.25 wholesale price). Insane I must say-so myself, but I just love the colors. And for all of you who do not know, OPI is a green company.

This product is superb. I’m no manicurists but I have all the tools and more then half the skills to open my own shop in my house. My sister does designs on toe nails and I’m great with the fingers. Sounds like a new venture one day.


The new Swiss collections is off the chain. I have to get all the colors. Great for the fall/Winter season.

The Roots- "You got me"

If you were worried 'bout where
I been or who I saw or
what club I went to with my homies
baby don't worry you know that you got me

[Black Thought]
Somebody told me that this planet was small
we use to live in the same building on the same floor
and never met before
until I'm overseas on tour
and peep this ethiopian queen from philly
taking classes abroad
she studying film and photo flash focus record
said she workin on a flick and
could my click do the score
she said she loved my show in paris
at Elysee Montmartre
and that I stepped off the stage
and took a piece of her heart
we knew from the start that
things fall apart, intentions shatter
she like that shit don't matter
when I get home get at her
through letter, phone, whatever
let's link, let's get together
shit you think not, think the Thought went home and forgot
time passed, we back in philly now she up in my spa
tellin me the things I'm tellin her is makin her hot
startin buildin with her constantly round the clock
now she in my world like hip-hop
and keep tellin me

If you were worried 'bout where
I been or who I saw or
what club I went to with my homies
baby don't worry you know that you got me

If you were worried 'bout where
I been or who I saw or
what club I went to with my homies
baby don't worry you know that you got me


[Black Thought]
Yo, I'm the type that's always catchin a flight
and sometimes I gotta be out at the height of the night
and that's when she flip and get on some 'ol

[Eve]
Another lonely night
seems like I'm on the side you only loving your mic
I know you gotta get that paper daddy keep that shit tight
but yo I need some sort of love in my life, you dig me
while politicin with my sister from new york city
she said she know this ball player and he think I'm pretty
Psych, I'm playin boo, you know it's just wit you I'm stayin boo
and when cats be poppin game I don't hear what they sayin boo
when you out there in the world, I'm still your girl
with all my classes I don't have the time for life's thrills
so when you sweatin on stage think of me when you rhyme
and don't be listenin to your homies they be leavin you blind

[Black] Yeah, so what you sayin I can trust you?
[Eve] Is you crazy, you my king for real
[Both] But sometimes relationships get ill
[Eve] No doubt

If you were worried 'bout where
I been or who I saw or
what club I went to with my homies
baby don't worry you know that you got me

If you were worried 'bout where
I been or who I saw or
what club I went to with my homies
baby don't worry you know that you got me


[Black Thought]
Thet snake could be that chick
and that rat could be that cool cat
that's whispering "she tryin to play you for the fool Black"
if something's on your chest then let it be known
see I'm not your every five minutes all on the phone
and on the topic of trust, it's just a matter of fact
that people bite back and fracture what's intact
and they'll forever be I ain't on some "oh I'm a celebrity"
I deal with the real so if it's artificial let it be
I've seen people caught in love like whirlwinds
listening to they squads and listening to girlfriends
that's exactly the point where they whole world ends
lies come in, that's where that drama begins, she like

If you were worried 'bout where
I been or who I saw or
what club I went to with my homies
baby don't worry you know that you got me

If you were worried 'bout where
I been or who I saw or
what club I went to with my homies
baby don't worry you know that you got me

Where is your head at?

Random recap for the past few days.

For the past few days I have been going through a lot emotionally. I try to handle each situation differently as they occur, I’m beginning to get confused on how to handle this particular situation. Maybe it’s already handled and I’m not the problem solver. Either way I wish it could have been done differently.


My alarm clock went off this morning at 6:30am. Yeah, I know I’m on bedrest so no need for an alarm to go off; just used to it at this point. I need to keep my working brain on schedule. When it went off, I realized I had a dream about the person that was on my mind before I went to bed. As much as we think we can just walk away or ignore the connections we make in life, we can’t. There is so much time and effort that is put into a friendship, that you can’t just walk way with out blinking. Or can you…

I managed to get out of the bed today. I didn’t feel good at all and I’m tired of being in this house. I had to get something done today to make me feel like I’m making progress. So, what did I do…. I asked Malik to put my Glider (for the Nursery) together. He is not the best person to put anything together, but he managed to get it right today. I had to sleep on the floor with my sheet and pillow to make sure he wasn’t going to have me falling to the floor with the babies in tow. LOL I fell right into the supervisor role with not issue. He wasn’t to pleased. LOL

My mind has been running a mile a minute about this crazy situation. I look for baby items, clean, cook, walk from one room to another, play on the net or play the Wii and my mind makes a u-turn back this issue. It’s hilarious because I was doing so good all day Sunday and today. I have been telling myself I don’t need this problem but at around 4:30pm things changed. I wanted to scream!!!! WHY!!!!! You pulled me back in just seeing the name pop up. I started to wonder if a VM would be left or a text would be sent. I want that life so bad… No way will it happen though. Not even at 40... No one will ever let that go. I’m just to late to be that one I want to be.

Where is this going to go? Will it go as far as we thought? I miss it! I miss us! I miss so many things that I can’t have back. Is it time to move on in my life? I’m crying as I type this. This is extremely hard for me to open this door and close another one. Not sure if I’m ready for this. Love is stupid.!!

Lost but now....

...Found.

I brought this book just about, lets say five to six months ago. I lost the book or atleast I thought I lost it. Cleaning out my office today, I found it. I got really excited about because now I can finish this wonderful book, by a wonderful Author.

I'm about to finish this book because I so need it right now. Help me please Hill Harper. My heart and mind are open.

Baby Bump Photos

I have always wanted to take maternity pictures, every since I can remember. Now, I'm having twins so it's even more special for me. I have to wait a bit before I can take belly pics, but I can't wait to even have these babies and get them to this studio.

After searching and searching for a Photographer in the Raleigh/Durham area, I believe I found someone.... www.PhrecklesPhotography.com (Marie)

Her work is impeccable and reminds me of work from Anne Geddes. If you look at her website and then blog you will fall in love with every subject she photographs.

So she will be doing my maternity pictures and my babies first professional pics.

Love her as much as I love her!!!

Pics below are from Anne Geddes.

Love this song..

Fantasia- "I'm doing me"


Sometimes as women we give more than we should
To a man that just don’t treat us good, No
Gave him my heart my time
Did all that I could in the past to keep him here with me, yeah
But now I woke up, Opened both my eyes up
Realize that I don’t need any other.
Man, if you can’t love me equally,
Then you don’t need to be with me
Nothing more beautiful then knowing you’re worth
And finally, I know exactly what I deserve


I’m doin me, this time around
I’m doin’ me, don’t need you now
I rather be by myself, I won’t let your drama hold me down
I’m doin’ me, this time around
I’m doin me, I’ve finally found
I’d rather be by myself, I’m doin’ me.


Won’t spend another minute wasting my time
On a man, hey, that only tells me lies, no
Aint saying that I don’t need love
But them games, I don’t need that in my life, no

I’m doin me, this time around
I’m doin’ me, don’t need you now
I rather be by myself, I won’t let your drama hold me down
I’m doin’ me, this time around
Fantasia I'm Doing Me lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/fantasia-im-doin-me-lyrics.html

I’m doin me, I’ve finally found
I’d rather be by myself, I’m doin’ me.

I could pray for you to act right everyday
But it ain’t up to me to make you change
Life is too damn short to live unhappily
So I’m being selfish and putting myself in first place


I’m doin me, this time around
I’m doin’ me, don’t need you now
I rather be by myself, I won’t let your drama hold me down
I’m doin’ me, this time around
I’m doin me, I’ve finally found
I’d rather be by myself, I’m doin’ me.

I’m doing me
This time around
I’m doing me
This time around
No more crying, going thru hell
It’s so good, I’m lovin myself
I’m doin’ me
This time around
I’m doin’ me
I’m doin’ me
Yeah Yeah
I’m doin’ me
Yeah Yeah

It was all a dream about the mistress (late night writing after a dream)

I typed this up at 3am to remember the dream..


She lived in the same apartment building and got the call to come see him. She packed a bag and walked up the three flights of stairs to his apartment. As always he couldn’t keep his hands off of her, she was hot fire and couldn’t resist the temptation of being with him. His hands touching her back and side was driving her crazy. The kiss they share was so powerful she forgot he wasn’t her husband or boyfriend. They started and ended on the sofa….. She was getting it so good as he was enjoying the moment. Different positions and his voice telling her how much he loved her. That drove her wild, even if she told him she doesn’t enjoy having her lovers expressing their love during sex.

She gets up a bit after they are done and looks out the window, I mean he is married and she is the Mistress. Have to be sure the wife or anyone is not coming home or even in the building. She was a paranoid because she knew of his wife and spoke with her before. Yeah, that’s a bit trashy but she said she loves this man and couldn’t stop. As she looked out the window; she notice a blue Smartcar pulling up with an occupant that looks like his wife. She asked him (he is sitting on the floor in front of the sofa, his favorite spot) what kind of car does your wifey drive.. He started to be a smart ass and just gave her the shrug of the shoulders, as if the wife was no where near the place. She started to get dress since she was so uncomfortable, and just in case. As she was about to put her shirt on the door opened… It was her (the wife). What she said when she walked in was “Oh really”. He turned his entire body to the back of the sofa as if he wasn’t in the room. The ladies didn’t fight, the wife actually walked down to the mistress house and they talked.

What the mistress figured out that day was, he is happy with the wife but wants the mistress for other things. He wasn’t willing to tell the wife he loved the mistress and wanted to be with her. Isn’t that how it goes everyday in the Daytime Stories or on the Lifetime channel. Lets be for real… The mistress loves him and wouldn’t be able to leave him alone. She feel like he is the right person for this man and will not rest until he really sees that she is the one and he is happiest with her. Or is he…..

It never turns our the way you really want ladies. Leave the married men alone. If you didn’t know he was married prior to falling in love, quickly fall out of love with him when you find out. It will never work in your favor. Another women’s husband will never be your treasure, there is a reason why you are with him while she is away. Self respect is what the mistress is missing and she has to regain it one way or another. Look in the mirror it might help (think of yourself in that situation).

This was a dream I had tonight, and I couldn’t go back to sleep.

Pregnancy Update

How far along? I’m 15 weeks today. I have a miscarriage at 16 weeks last year so I’m praying every night that this year will be different. I’m just waiting to get week 16 over with.

Total weight gain? I have actually only gained two pounds in almost 4 months. My doctor told me that I will pack on the pounds later on in this twin pregnancy… Not to happy about that.

Maternity clothes? Oh baby yes! I have been in maternity clothes since I was 8 weeks along. I have to start wearing more of my “M” clothes, with a twin pregnancy my tummy will not fit in most singleton pregnancy “M” clothes. I guess I will be in sweats and t-shirts for the last 3 months.

Sleep? Well…This one is tricky. I have been sleeping a lot, of course I’m having twins. I wake up every night around 3 or 4am, which is not fun because nothing is on the television. The babies go from one side to another which I believe is what makes me wake up a the weirdest times. Stay still at night please. LOL I love you two already.

Movement? I’m starting to feel the babies move more and more every day. It’s the flutters not really kicks or punches. It feels very weird but very reassuring. The movement makes me smile every time no matter what time it is.

Food Craving? I haven’t had any food cravings at all lately, but in the first month and half, I wanted pancakes or French toast. I just eat when I’m hungry and I have to eat every two hours. These babies are hungry at all times, even at 3am in the morning. The reason I’m not sure why I haven’t gained weight yet. Could be what I have been eating and my portions. Either way I’m excited… Don’t need to be any bigger.

Gender? Not sure what sex Baby A or B are. What I hope for is a boy and girl. I may be able to find out on the 30th, which is my next appointment.

What I miss? I miss working everyday. I miss having my freedom of going out when I feel like it. I miss being independent and having energy to do anything. I miss my staff and folks in DC. I miss lots of things but can give it all up to have healthy babies in April/May.

What I am looking forward to? I’m looking forward to loving two beings and showing them what real love is. Looking forward to decorating the nursery and loving every minute of the process. I’m looking forward to seeing my Mother, God-Mother and Aunt happy for their first grandchildren (My Aunt is like another Mother to me). I’m looking forward to the crying babies in the house and the dogs protecting us to no end. I’m also looking forward to Malik making bottles if he can handle it in a timely manor.

Embarrassing Moment? I haven’t had any embarrassing moments as of yet. I haven’t been vomiting in public or anything.

What I can’t stand? I get irritated about everything now days. It doesn’t take much to get me upset or angry. I get heated really fast. I better be having a boy and a girl, because if its two girls I will just go crazy. I can not deal with two of me.

Message to baby? We are patiently waiting your arrival. I love you already and can’t stop talking to you every morning and night. We are going to be blessed to have you two as our children. Love you always.

Nursery Furniture

Seriously!!! Bed Rest!!!

This is what my bedrest consists of…


Get 8 to 10 hours of sleep at night: This is easier said then done. I go to sleep all through the day but when its time to sleep at night I’m right there. Well, why am I getting up at 3 or 4 in the morning and can not go back to sleep.. The babies are killing me on this note. I go to sleep in the most comfortable position, and wake up with my tummy hurting and needing to find another comfortable position. I believe they are running me crazy already, and they are not here as of yet. Babies please let momma get some sleep, she needs it!!

Rest most of the day. Lie on your left side as much as possible: I do rest most of the day, its not an options. They put me right to sleep with no issue. Now the lying on my side part is what is hard. As I said before I can go to sleep on one side and wake up in the middle of the night hurting, because the babies decided they want to be on that side. I have to have a very good talk with them, its not going to work. Maybe I will call their father LOL.

You may get up to go to the bathroom and to take a shower: I would hope I can do this. I mean I have not life outside of keeping myself clean so the bathroom will be my favorite place in the house. I will do my hair, play in the make-up, and paint my nails.

You will need help with housekeeping, laundry, and grocery shopping: This would be a big help. Not having to cook or do much cleaning around the house is great. Everyone knows I have two dogs and I usually have to vacuum once a day to keep the hair from piling up. I have my mother and MIL here with me to help. An extra pair of hands never hurt.

Do not do any physical sports and exercises including walking: As busy as I am, I can’t do anything but sit in the bed. I’m watching tv, playing the Wii, PSP, and DS. I’m not happy about this. I’m having twins, I need to stay active so I don’t gain to much weight and I need to keep the little muscle I have. Walking though!!! Walking! I can’t walk are we serious? Damnit, how am I going to go to Target or shop for the babies… I guess internet shopping is my thing from now on. I want to walk my dogs and enjoy the weather before it gets really cold. This sucks but anything for the babies!

If you work outside the home, you will need to stop working and be on sick leave: Never thought I would be home at three months pregnant. I had plans to continue to work until January atleast. I’m lost for words as to how I’m home so soon. I mean I know why but dang, this is going to be challenging for me. I’m a work-aholic. I miss my staff and my branch . I have to find some really good hobbies, knitting, sewing, and maybe paint something. We will see how this plays out.

This is what my bedrest looks like and I have two people in this house to watch me full time. They might get on my last nerve sooner than I expect. But as I have been saying anything for my babies. It will all be better when I know what sex the babies are. I will be killing the check cards/credit cards mine and his.

Replacement

The phone no longer rings
The door bell never makes a sound
The verbal affection stops
The love seems so distant

When you tell someone how much you care and nothing is given in return
When they look at you and they see someone else
When the spark is gone
When the personal information is no longer being shared
When she feels lonely

Can we one day be as we once were
Will you be apart of the family
Will you love them as if they were you own
Can she come back and feel like it will all be okay
Being happy is what everyone wants

Don’t be the replacement
Don’t be a stand-in
You are the team and no one can run your playbook
Love yourself and they will love you back (maybe)

She became a replacement/stand-in

What's Going On....

I have been a hot mess this past week. I left the DMV area on Friday heading to NC feeling good, had a great weekend. I had pancakes the entire weekend (the only real craving I had thus far) and enjoyed my bed and home. The dogs loved me being there too. My Roxy knows I’m pregnant. I was laying in my bed Friday night, she jumped in the bed and pushed the blanket back off my tummy. When I realized what she was doing she sniffed my tummy and laid flat on me, to say I know momma, I know I have a little bother and sister on the way, time to protect you. She stayed in my room just about the entire time unless Jojo was there. Just a wonderful time at home with no drama.

So what happened after this relaxing weekend? All hell seemed to break loose, when I got back to DC. I woke up Monday morning with the intention to go to work and get back on my regular work schedule, well that didn’t happen. I woke up Monday with spotting and cramping, more complications with my pregnancy. I called the Doctor and ended up being put on bed rest for a week, OMG a WEEK!! I gave the Doctor the nastiest look. I can’t sit in the house for a week, I have a job, I have ADHD, I have responsibilities and sitting still will not help me. When I came to my senses, I thought this is for my babies and I have to make sure their okay. So, momma have been home since Monday.

It seems whenever the Docs put me on bed rest I get really sick. The past four days I have not been able to eat anything without getting sick. I’ve had a sandwich, crackers, soups, cereal, fruit, and toast. Nothing has helped me. The babies are not feeling food right now but momma is so hungry. I’m still having my cravings of things I see on TV and can’t eat it. I want pizza and will not be able to eat it and be happy after. I’m sure this time will past and I’m so looking forward to it. I’m going to make up for all the time I have been sick.

I have up coming doctors appointments on the 25th and the Maternal Fetal Medicine on the 29th. This will determine when I will get my Cerclage. I’m scared they will put me on bed rest very early and I will be sitting for three or four months. I also have big decisions to make about work and being here in MD. I guess I can make those decisions after the 29th.

Whew!! I finally had energy to type a blog. Thank you Lord!!! I’m blessed even with all this sickness. I’m alive and I will have two healthy babies running in my house in a few months. Can’t wait.

The happenings of twin pregnancy.

SN: It’s great to have wonderful people in your life.

Never Change..

When I'm at work and I get this blank look on my face, I'm thinking about you. When I'm relaxing before bed at night I'm thinking about you. When I think about my future I always think about you. This post/song is for you; the person who is always on my mind even when I have a million things going on. The person who makes me smile when I'm sad, the person who says "I Love You" and my heart still skips a beat. He is me and I am him.


Think about you (Luther Vandross)

So close to paradise,
but closer than I should be
It's like I'm along for the ride,
it happened unexpectedly
Promised myself that I wouldn't ever love again
But you make me feel something,
my mind's always on you

I was standing in the rain (I thought about you)
I was riding on the train (I thought about you)
Feeling high like I seem to do
Every time I think about you
Saw two lovers start to kiss (I thought about you)
Had to hold back the tears (I thought about you)
Other girls no more exist
All because I think about you

Nothing seems to help,
I don't even know myself
I'm trying not to think of you,
but a heart does what it wants to do
Pass you by,
see you smile and I must admit I get
So emotional,
I think I'm falling for you

Bought a pillow for my room (I thought about you)
Heard Alicia sing a tune (I thought about you)
It sends my rocket to the moon
Every time I think about you
Right from this heart of mine (I thought about you)
I wanted you every time (I thought about you)
What I feel is so divine
And it's all because I think about you

But I'm constantly reminded
Reminded that you're only someone who I'd like to know
You don't know me,
you're my private fantasy
You're with me, constantly in my mind

Had a lovely day today (I thought about you)
Wasn't hard to get through (I thought about you)
Seems to happen easily
Every time I think about you
Took a walk with myself (I thought about you)
Wish it could've been with you (I thought about you)
But every star in the sky came out for me
And it's all because I think about you

Loving This Man

Loving this man takes so much of me
He is kind
He is sweet
He keeps me from sleep
He makes me wish I was always touching him
He is just right for me

Loving this man makes me feel like a super star
I feel on top of the world
I feel invincible
I feel like Laura Croft (a bad ass chick w/ guns and mean ass side kick)

Loving this man takes me to another level
He makes me think
He helps me achieve
He give me great advice
He is tells me when I’m wrong and how to fix any problem

Loving this man makes me love me
I’m beautiful in his eyes
I’m perfect for him
We are a match, a Polo shirt with a Tee to match the man on the horse
We were it, like gazelle shades and shell top Adidas

Loving this man makes it easy to be me
He loves the idea of me having his babies
He make sure I’m not doing more than I should
He is what every woman should dream about
He is what you want to hold on to but sometimes you can’t
He is who he is and he is not with me

Loving this man
Is all I ever want to do
Is all I will do
Is all..

A song speaking to my heart today

Alicia Keys- Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart

"Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart, then you can try sleeping in my bed".

Even if you are a million miles away
I could still feel you in my bed
Near me, touch me, feel me

And even at the bottom of the sea
I could still hear it inside my head
Telling me, touch me, feel me
And all the time, you were telling me lies

So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?
Well you could try sleeping in my bed
Lonely, own me, nobody ever shut it down like you

You are the clown, you made my body feel heaven bound
Why don’t you hold me, need me
I thought you told me you’d never leave me

Looking in the sky I could see your face
And I knew right where I fit in
Take me, make me, you know that I’ll always be in love with you
Right till the end

So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

Anybody could’ve told you right from the start it’s ‘bout to fall apart
So why not then hold on to a broken dream or just hold on to love
And I could find a way to make it, don’t hold on too tight
I’ll make it without you tonight

So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

A Quick Catch Up

Two babies!!!! WHAT!!! Am I ready for twins? That’s the question I continue to get from everyone. Or the famous “Your going to be as big as a house“. Either way it goes, I will not care how big I get, as long as my babies are healthy.

I’m very excited about this pregnancy. I had to get maternity pants already because my uterus is growing really fast with two babies. I also started to shop at my favorite store TARGET for maternity shirts. You all know I will never pay full price for anything in TARGET. I got about four shirts for under $3 each. I will be there more often since I will grow out of these clothes very fast.

Medication time…. Yup!!! I’m still taking the PIO shots every night. I’m so ready for this to be over. I have to continue these shots until I’m 10 weeks. I have four more weeks to go. Until the 10th week I will get these shots every night, my bum hurts sooo bad but I have to do this for my babies. I’m also still on my four patches of Estrogen every other day. Lots of medication for another four weeks. Prenatal pills everyday and maybe a Colace here and there. I need to go get another bottle of the Colace, they’re the only thing keeping me regular at this time.

Pain…. Never really knew all that goes along with a twin pregnancy, I know now. I have to chill out a little more. I went to the mall this past Sunday for jeans and may have over exerted myself. I started to cramp and it never stopped . I went to the restroom and was spotting, I immediately got scared and went to the hospital. The babies are doing well. I just have to do less, work less, and take care of me and babies more.

Doctor….Went to my first OB appointment today and discussed what to expect. OMG!!! This is going to be an adventure. I will have a cerclage around 12 or 13 weeks. Bedrest will apparently come sooner then I thought, maybe November. I’m not ready for that so soon. I also will be going to a Maternal Fetal Specialist every other week, so that’s OB one week and MFS the other. I will spend half of this pregnancy in the doctors office. Better safe than sorry. I have to keep my babies safe and healthy. Baby A is the bigger of the two, but Baby B is right behind. Baby A is measuring 6 weeks 5 days and B is 6 weeks 3 days. I am betting on A being a girl and B being a boy.

My next appointment is set for 10/19/2010 for the MFS. I know everything will be great, looking forward to it.

Oh and the most important thing is the due date….. My EDD is May 20th, 2011 (my sisters birthday).

Keep my babies in your prayers.

AM Randomness...

Every morning I wake up it’s another day I feel like, I need to be in C-town. With people around me here I still feel alone. I’m starting to feel like I’m slipping from the high graces of my usual self. I use to open my eyes to a wonderful outlook for that day but now they all seem to run together, as I’m looking for new ways to get home. The long days and even longer nights with my arms wrapped around my belly, make me feel like I have someone to hold me at night. I tend to dream about things or people that I want in my life but for some reason or another it can not happen. They might have been taken to a much better place or they have chosen a different path. It leaves me alone again and again.

So this morning is no different.. I want to just stay in bed and forget about work, forget about eating, driving, and even calling people today. I just want to be in my king size bed with my dogs loving me. The greatest place on earth for me at this time. I want to be home to get that room together, to start with real ideas and get my home the way it used to be. I want to sit in my living room with the TV on but not watch it, just look at the painting on the wall and find myself. I want to go in my back yard and see where I would put a shed and start to map out my pool and playground for my baby. I want to start planting flowers for the spring, and add a sitting wall to my garden area. I have so much I want and need to do but I’m stuck here. I’m stuck with no way out. What if I just leave? How would I care for all the people that depend on me? How would I be able to provide for my child and make sure he/she never wants for anything? So many decisions but nothing is coming to me to make this easy. I have stayed in a place before for love and I’m thinking the same things this time too. Maybe I can get an apartment here and just stay here until I figure it all out. Two bedrooms one for the baby and just live until I can get home. At least I’m able to still take care of business and be happy at the same time.

As you see my mind never stops. When I want to sleep at night I have to think of something that will allow me to sleep or put my mind at ease for a few minutes because I will be up worrying all night. This is so difficult to handle and so difficult to do alone. Maybe I will revisit some things…

Why?

Why when you think you have it all something falls apart?
Why can’t you say good bye, walk away and still be thankful for the time spent?
Why does it feel when your able to make someone else happy, even when its not the best thing for you?
Why must we make hard decisions and live with them everyday, whether they are good or bad?
Why can’t we have it all?
Why must we work so hard to be in the same place every night?
Why do I feel so alone at times?
Why will I go through this process alone?
Why do I cry every night?
Why am I so far away from my paradise?
Why am I still here?
Why do I have to be the one to hold everyone down?
Why isn’t there someone to hold me down?
Why do we fall in love at the wrong time in life?
Why do you find your happiness with someone or something that doesn’t belong to you?
Why must I wait for all good things?
Why do all good things come to an end?
Why does this process have to go so slow?
Why can’t he hold me every night?
Why do I get so emotional when it’s time to leave?
Why must the drive home seem so long?
Why do I love so hard and so faithful?
Why is solitude not a good thing for me most of the time?
Why can’t I go on vacation again? (just to be home)
Why is C-Town the only think that puts a smile on my face these days?
Why am I happy for four hours and things turn for the worst?
Why is this so DAMN hard ?

Why must I ask “why” to questions I may never get the answer too?
None of these questions can be answered; you have to live your life and for the most part allow the dealer to give you a great hand or something you can work with. He will usually take care of the rest.

Why ask why…When why will always be the answer?

Randomness

I haven't been able to sleep the past few days or when I get to sleep I wake up at 5 in the morning and can't get back to sleep. Lots on my mind maybe. So, I figured what better place then my blog, to list the things that have crossed my mind recently.

I'm starting to worry about childcare- Not just the cost, that's really the last thing that I'm thinking about. Finding the right place for my child or children.

Eating properly so my child/children will be healthy.

Not wanting people to know to early- Just those very close to me and also asking them to keep their mouths shut. Lets see how long that last

Driving back and forth to NC while pregnant-Will I do the trip more often or not go back so much, due to the long ride and doing it alone. Maybe I will start to catch a plane. More to think about..

I'm have been very excited about Twins but GEESH!! who am I kidding, that’s more pampers, wipes, food, clothes, daycare, activities, parties and gifts. Do I have enough energy for two at time.


Having to change my entire life style because I will be a mommy soon- no more getting up and packing a bag for me to leave for Philly with no warning. Mommy has to get baby/babies ready and sometimes the dogs. No stopping one time to get to my destination faster. As I'm with child I will stop all the time to use the restroom, once baby/babies are here the stopping becomes for them.

There are lots more but I'm getting tired. Mekhi and Tori are draining me so fast. But its all well worth the fatigue and the sickness.

POAS!!!!

Being excited is not a strong enough word for me to express how I feel right now. I have no words right now. I have been waiting for this for years.

$19.99 Clear Blue 3 pack and two down, both saying PREGNANT!! I have one more left and then on to the doctor on Tuesday. Hopefully, I can get them to do an ultrasound to see how many sacs there are. I'm thinking I have more than one. Which brings me to....

Talking to a dear friend today about daycare for babies. OMG!! I never thought it would cost that much. I will check the Christian Academy again in C-Town because I do not think it cost as much as his center. But I will start taking donations now, if I'm having twins. Because I will have Roxy and Jojo watching my children if I have two at one time. LMAO!

I need to get a list going on all the things needed for a baby so I'm prepared when that time comes. But for right now I'm praying for a healthy pregnancy and baby, everything else will come in time.

I'm going to be a mommy!

Names...

I was asked by a friend if I have thought of any names for the baby or babies. I have and here is what I have thought of lately.

Maurice Antoino--- not sure if I will use this again because this was my first angel name. So, I will think on this very hard.

Mekhi Anthony *
Malachi
Tori Kimberly *
Tiana

I'm sure as the time goes on I will add to this list. And I have to come up with middle names as well.

PUPO

Early appointment, 15 minutes in the procedure room and now a 10 day wait….

When I made it to the office at 9:45am for my 10:30am appointment (yes, excited and scared so I was a bit early) signed in and had a sit. The nurse called my name and we began to walk down, which seemed to be the longest, hallway in the world at that moment. Once we got to the destination I was told to change to a gown, foot booties, a hair net, face mask (once ready to go into the little procedure room).

The procedure room…. A little bigger than a normal OB room, a bit dark but comforting. Flat screen TV on one wall (to see the embies that belong to me), Ultrasound machine (to help guide the Doctor), OB table and lights that are dim. Room clean, a bit bare but full of life. I felt like I was in the best place on earth and it wasn’t Disney.

Before I went into this procedure room a nurse came to talk with me about my frozen babies. Two of them did not survive the thaw but three did. I asked her to transfer all three embies into their proper place. So, as I type this I am Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise (PUPO) with triplets! How exciting is that? OMG! TRIPLETS really? I think I’m excited about maybe twins but hey what the Lord wants the Lord will get. If I’m blessed with just one baby I will be just fine. A baby to love.

I have been having some symptoms, which I’m pretty sure are from some of the meds I’m on. Sore breast, back aches, and light cramping. The back aches and light cramping can be signs of implantation of my embies. I’m rubbing my tummy every night, talking to my babies and praying to the Higher Power for great results. September 10th can not get here fast enough. My world will change for the best. I’m ready for it and welcome all the transformations my body will go through.

Me plus One

So, it has started and I’m so excited but scared.


Let’s run it back from the last time…

Morning sickness from hell at 9 or 10 weeks, all fried food made me sick, NO EGGS (well sunny side up eggs and we all know that’s how I like my em), the smell of sausage cooking made me want to go hide in my closet, horrible acne, and putting on weight. The biggest thing is… I wasn’t normal when it came to the cravings. I craved whatever I saw on TV, nothing I thought I would want. I used to have this thing where I told my husband that he would have to run to Philly to get me a cheesesteak. Yeah, had no craving for a famous Philly Cheesesteak. Oh and after wanting everything on TV, I got sick eating it. And, I wore the Sea sick wrist bands 24-7.

Things I miss from the first time…

My Roxy absolutely loved me, that dog wouldn’t leave my side. When I got up at 1 AM she got up to walk with me to the restroom. She even laid next to the tub until I was done in the toilet room. Jojo stayed on the lookout for intruders to the house. I swear no one that I didn’t know could get in that house without getting killed by my fur babies. They were very protective and I’m looking forward to that again.

I miss the baby bump. I used to go to bed and rub my own belly every night . It felt so good to know I was caring for a baby. Sounds crazy but even early on, I would talk to him and tell him how much I loved him, already. I’m so looking forward to that feeling again, that love I felt within and the joy it gave my soul. I’m looking forward to becoming a mother and given my child the love a mother should. Showing him or her what a stress free life is for a child, not allowing anyone to take their innocents away to early. Putting my mark on the world as a wonderful mother is all I want. Raising well rounded children is my dream.

So where am I now….

I’m a little over a week out, from having that feeling again. The sickness, the joy, the happiness and the fullness of my soul. I’m ready for it all. The sleepless nights, the crying baby because he/she is hungry, trying to breast feed, protecting the baby from the harsh world, changing diapers, buying baby clothes, furniture, and painting a room that has been waiting for its occupant for four years. I’m ready.

The process to this event has been daunting. I have had so many emotions, some of my own and others from the high level of estrogen I have to intake. I have been wearing four estrogen patches for the past nine days and you can tell how it has affected me on a daily basis. I do remember one thing that I enjoyed while pregnant last time, my sex drive was out of control. It was very fun for me though LOL.

I went to the doctor the other day and my E2 levels and uterine lining looks great. I have another appointment on the 25th of this month and we are off to the races at that point. Baby will be with mommy on the 1st with no delay. I will not buy anything for the first 5 or 6 months (due to what happen last time). But I will pray and pray hard every day/night, asking the Lord to keep my gift safe and unharmed while in the safest place.

Once I’m blessed with this gift, I will have to get a cerclage done at like 10 weeks. This is to hold the baby in so I wouldn’t have another miscarriage. I have weak cervix and we have to keep baby safe and sound for nine months.

I will say I’m worried that all the people that I have helped and loved over the years will turn their backs on me and baby. I feel like all that I have done for people doesn’t need to be returned, but showing me love is all I ask. I’m afraid I will be alone with no one to love me. This could really be the high estrogen levels. I have been very emotional lately. I need love…I really need love.
A baby to come, a party to be thrown and life to nourish. I’m so proud of me for taking these steps to take control of my life.

Oh and shhhh because no one in my family knows about this yet. I will not tell anyone until about 5 or 6 months. Just in time for someone to buy my $800 crib. LMAO

Trip to solitude

I planned this trip knowing a vacation was needed. So what better to do then go to the beach and enjoy a full spa.... Not the fake spa on the beach front, but a full service spa, where I can get a body scrub, body wrap, stone massage or just a basic body massage.

These are picture that show how I enjoyed the time away from my real world and freedom from work. Take this journey with me because I want to go back.




I was on my "White Girl" driving to the beach. This position is very comfortable for driving long distances.



This was my first stop when I got on the boardwalk. OMG!!! I love Rita's but just having Water Ice on the beach was amazing.




The manicured landscape was just outstanding. Just looking at the beautiful grounds made me feel like I was Alice in Wonderland. Come fall in the hole with me.....



A very beautiful place to have a wedding. I was so excited to see all the Koi fish in this huge pond, they came right to where ever I was standing. Apparently someone has been feeding them.



This is Crash from "Finding Nemo" He was so photogenic, he knew when to do what for the best shots. "Hey Dude"!!! LOL




I wanted a Hermit crab so bad, they were in every shop. They smelled horrible but they look so cute to have at home. I always thought my pets (Roxy and Jojo) could use a pet of their own. Crazy I know...


These next few photos are of the gorgeous beach I had a chance to finally walk on. It was so great to just enjoy the sand in my toes.



















My last stop while on this trip... The VA Aquarium was awsome. Not as big as DC but its a good size.

The Other Sugar

Panera…
French Onion soup in a bread bowl
Panini’s
Chips (kettle)
Lemonade or Strawberry Smoothie

First date or meeting, Brownie and drinks
Somewhere in this conversation a war came up
Hip-Hop was definitely in the initial meeting,
At one point her brownie became a steak
Could she handle it?

In the house…
Watching TV
Discussing 215 or 212
Fingers through hair
Kisses on forehead
Belly being rubbed
Ladies love….
Sitting close on the sofa with arm around each other
Possible shed in the back
Shower head to match
Dogs are at peace
Babies on the way (four patches)
The comfort of home

Out and about..
Acting up in the aisles of a grocery store
Sly comments to shock each other
Thumbs up for the great movie
Talking to strangers
Laughter at all times, ever at the moments you would never expect
Chilling with a new bunch of friends (Fanta and bread… Country as all hell)
Talking about the same things but never really want to leave each others presence
Johnnie Walker Red Label (gone completely gone)
C-Town needs a new resident

Emails
Text
Dreams
The look..
All it takes to know that the brown sugar is the best sugar.

Go Phillies!!!!

In One Year Time...

I have built a great relationship with four great people at work. We have to take a survey every so often about the job and how happy you are. One of the question on this survey is “do you have a best friend at work?”. I can say without a doubt that I have four best friends at work.

A little over a year ago I was taking a leap of faith, left my house to move back to DC to become a manager of a new bank branch. I haven’t regret my decision one bit. I have missed my home but when you have staff like mine, they bring you back to reality of how GREAT the branch is doing and making you proud to say you’re their manager.

A few days ago my region had an award ceremony and we took the cake. Each one of my staff members took home an award and our branch name was called for just about ever category. When I tell you that I have made the ultimate sacrifice to come to DC, leave my life behind in NC and made this into the best job experience I have ever had. When we left for the award ceremony, we had one Globe trophy to take back and left the event that night with 13 awards and two Globe trophies to put in my branch.

It feels even better to know that it was not just one of my staff members, but all of them shined and made me very proud. People at other tables started to call us out as the winner of the category because we continued to win 1st or 2nd place for everything.

As I’m about to embark on my personal life goals, I can say that I have accomplished what no one really thought we could in the hood. I’m proud to say that no matter where you are, you can be the best. Hard work and dedication is what makes you the best.

Going on another mission….

I have been down this road before and it did not lead me to my destination. There was a fork in the road and somehow I went right instead of left. It has been a long journey but I’m prepared for this long walk again.

My walk started yesterday and I will hope to have this pleasant surprise mid 2011. I do still worry that the previous stroll will take its toll on me and I will be discouraged, and talk myself out of it. So far so good right now though.

I went to bed last night thinking about all the things that will change. No more dogs in the bed, no more just getting up and leaving when I feel like it. Shoot, that will be the hardest thing ever.. I love to just get up and go. No warning, just get up and start my plan for the day. My how these things will change but I’m ready for the new challenges.

Just knowing that this could be the time; where I finish my 9 mile walk. Where I have amped myself up enough to know that I will be okay this time. Nothing can stop me. I have trained for this, dreamed about this path, this trail, this nature walk. When walking down this path, I will feel things, smell things, and think things I have never ever thought about before in my life. But for some reason when you’re in a good place and everything is going great, you always think about how good things could get or will be.

Today is the start of my new beginning. I’m so happy right now. I need to hear the sounds of the trees blowing, the squirrels running and the breeze blowing at the tops of the trees. The Blue Jays and Red Robins chirping and little feet running across the floor, these are the sounds I can’t wait to experience. The “Again” mission of becoming one with a living being.

I hope someone would go on this journey with me.

Yes, I worked six days straight last week and when I got off on Saturday; I knew I had lots of things in store for me. I say that today knowing it all worked out fine this weekend but, who am I kidding… I had not real plans. I ended up going to my SIL and BIL house to chill with the family. My MIL was there... She has been there on and off for the past four to five months helping take care of my only niece.

As we always do we eat crabs and had pizza. So much for that diet I was doing so well. I still haven’t drunk a soda in three weeks. I’m very excited about that. I digress…we laugh and take turns telling crazy stories or even sightings of ridiculous things.

After talking to my SIL, she is considering (for real this time) moving to NC. She has three beautiful children. NC is a great place to raise a family. The living is wonderful and the areas are serine. This brings me back to wanting a family to be in my house and loving it. Only a few people know what is going on in my life and it’s so hard to really deal with….Especially after chilling all day with my niece.

So watching the children run and play… Making her smile and jump up and down but as always this one thing runs through my mind. I want Maurice to be here. Then I think why does this feeling come often these days. When I’m having a great time, I get that feeling like I’m missing something in my life. I didn’t cry this time; I went to the kitchen and made some cookies (request from my BIL). “Hey Minnie I think its cookie and Ice Cream time” his exact words. Maybe he saw the look on my face, maybe he knew I was going to another place and he wanted to bring me back to reality or maybe he just wanted me to just make the cookies so he didn’t have to do it. Needless to say making the cookies and seeing the smiles on their faces; because the cookies were hot with a scoop of Ice Cream on top, made me smile. It also gave me hope. Hope that the smallest thing can change your life and most of the time the change isn’t bad. My prayer for a baby will be answered.

It is funny because thinking about making the cookies reminded me of a good friend. It feels like a dream now but that one night was so fun. I can tell you, that smile never came off my face that evening. Cookie dough in the bucket, French Vanilla Breyers Ice Cream and Rickey Gervais show, who could ask for more... We laughed and became our own house comedians, no need for standing ovations we made sure we both got satisfaction that night. This feeling came over me last night to have this person near me. I needed that reassurance that things will be okay. He does that for me…. Even when I’m not always happy with what has become of me, he makes me feel like; I will overcome all things regardless of all my drama and insecurities.

This weekend was a great one. Being able to learn about myself or bring a piece of someone else’s world into my own, it was an awesome time spent with family. What’s life without a little regret, happiness, and sadness? What makes it all worth wild is that regardless, the people who care about you are around and make your life rich with love.
I’m getting excited about the weekends to come, something amazing always happens….

Fear...

What are you most afraid of now?

I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of not having children. I’m afraid of being stuck in one spot and never to move on or up. I’m afraid of not working hard enough to meet my personal goals in life. I’m still afraid of spiders. I’m afraid of death by drowning and afraid of my dogs not living forever.

How have I faced my fears and come through unscathed?

Not sure if I have faced any of these fears. I can tolerate spiders to a point. Never want one to touch me nor be within ten feet from me. I work hard on a daily basis to make sure I succeed in everything I do. I’m still working on the children and never being alone.

Are you afraid of success and what that brings?

Never afraid of success, what it brings is another story. With success come additional problems. People always seem to give you grief because you are doing what makes you happy. I’m never afraid of new challenges so bring them on.

Are you afraid of failure and what that brings?

Failure is not an option for me. I have way too many people depending on me.


A little insert from my book. At the end of each chapter, there are “Get to know your self” sections. I love these because it allows me to find me, the real me, not the person I portray everyday. I have a hard outer shell and most people do not get to experience the softer inside.

Be on the look out for a synopsis of different times in my life. As I’m sure you are very interested in what has happened and what I’m planning for my future. 

My 4th of July weekend

I had such an amazing weekend. For the first time in a long time, I relaxed. I didn’t cook up the entire house nor did I over do anything. I cooked simple but delicious, had enough everything for the 30 + people at the house. The string beans were off the chain, bake beans with my special touch wouldn’t stay in the pan and the seafood pasta salad was gone in 60 seconds. I also made turkey burgers (with my own hands, nothing in a box), beef hamburgers, Nathan’s hot dogs, ribs and chicken. All seasoned to perfection.

Even though the food was to die for, it was the time spent at my home that made me so happy. All the neighbors at the house, drinking and eating and what we do best talking mess to each other. It’s wonderful to see all the happy marriages and families come together at my home. I feel blessed to know each and every one of them. I got to chill with my cousins and had people to play Mario Brothers with me.

Roxy and Jojo loved all the attention but I think they were happier when all the noise was gone. They didn’t eat any of their food because they were so excited. I’m sure they are at peace knowing it comes and goes.

I had a few hiccups this weekend but all seems to be okay. I love me and knowing I can over come anything is what keeps me going. I do have that one aspect of my life missing but I’m sure I will be complete one day. I love him and he is not here. I will love him until I’m able to hold him in my arms and then show him what real love is supposed to feel like. My blessings are soon to come, I just know it.

Getting back at 2am on Monday morning does not feel so bad because I had the best time of my life. Can not wait to get home and have that fun full time. Davenport I love you as you all love me.

Moving on.....

I woke up this morning to an email… My heart has told me its time to move forward. Things happen in life for one reason or another, so all that has happened to me in the past two years, will have meaning soon.

I have become free of my paper bond, my heart bond and my love bond. I’m starting my life over never to look back. The sky is clear and no rain in sight. If I cry myself to sleep at night, it’s only to bear with all that life has thrust upon me. Sometimes the weight is too heavy for me to carry on my shoulders. This doesn’t mean that I’m weak as a person, or I can not handle life… What it means is that I’m human and my heart pumps blood just like the next person. That my heart hurts just like any other woman. I love hard but love genuinely. I’m faithful to my heart.

I have cared and carried people my entire life. I have supported those who have never supported me. In all the hard work I have put in over the past 27 years, I pride myself in never letting people get to me or break my spirit. But for some reason I let this one person break through my mold, solid center block mold. I gave, opened up, did things I wouldn’t do for anyone else on this earth and I have been stepped on and forgotten, talked about just about disrespected. Why do I continue to love so much? How do I stop?

I don’t think I will ever be able to stop loving, but my tactics will be a bit different. Guard my heart forever…even if that means alone and childless, so be it.

Don’t love me and then leave me. Don’t pretend to care when you don’t. Don’t limit my love for you or yours for me. I need people around me that will always be with me and never push me to the side for anything. I need people that will support my ever effort to become a better person around me. Remember how you treat someone will always be with them….

Love those who deserve so much more. Love those who have loved so much.

I have been up for that past three days at 4AM. Well, this morning was a bit different… I fell asleep in the basement watching TV; I did wake up a little after I fell asleep to turn the TV off. I had a long day so I did not bother getting off the sofa to my bed.

A bad dream suddently woke me up..

I was in my home in North Carolina. The dogs (which whom I love dearly) were at the patio door as usual if they want to go out. I looked out the door and noticed something in the yard. Didn’t know at the time what it was, but at some point I thought it was a person. As I opened the patio door Jojo my German Shepherd Dog ran out the house and right behind him Roxy my Rottweiler went. They both ran towards this tree. I saw something jump in the tree and my Jojo, jumped up as well. Roxy was on the ground. As Jojo was in the tree I realized what was in my yard. It was a Leopard. The leopard jumped out the tree and ran out a hole in my wood fence (looked as if the leopard made the hole, as if it ran right through the wood fence). As the leopard leaves the yard, Jojo jumps out the tree and walks towards the house, meanwhile Roxy is still in the yard investigating. As Jojo walks up the deck, the leopard returns and walks up the deck as well. My dogs are not fighting or even barking at this animal. I tried to let Jojo in the house because I was scared at that point but the leopard was in front of him closer to the door. As I was telling Jojo to come, he chased the leopard off the deck. They ended up in the yard closer to the hole the leopard made in the fence. As they go closer to the hole the leopard attacked my dog. While this was going on another leopard came into the yard. Roxy tried to go over and help but was being attacked too. I started yelling to my mother "go get the gun, go get the gun". She ran up the stairs, never to return. I had nothing…. I ran upstairs knowing I will be able to see this from my bedroom window and fire the gun off. When I got to my room there was something blocking my view (looked like a wood deck, but my room is on the second floor of the house) and the gun wasn’t loud enough to scare the leopards off. It sounded as if the gun was jammed. I was screaming, crying, and yelling for my dogs.

I woke up!

I woke up crying and breathing really hard. Because I take dreams so literal, I called my mother to check on her and the dogs. Now remember its 4AM. She was okay and so were my fur babies.

Upon further research of what this dream meant, I ran across this dream and definition on a website…. Please remember not all of this persons dream will equate to mine, but all in all the dogs being attacked is what I was reading about.


THE DREAM It was winter and it was night time, there were no clouds in the sky and the ground was covered in thick shiny snow. I must have lived in the country because I had no neighbors, no fence, and my backward turned into a thick forest. My house was huge and light colored, it had a 2 tiered wooden deck that went to the back yard. In the dream I was talking to someone (the person had no face, name, body, but I believe it was a male) and telling the person that there was a leopard in the woods. The person did not believe me so I got a flashlight and right at the edge of the forest we both saw a leopard’s thick tail disappear into the forest. I then gave the person a I told you so speech and we both went inside. I then began to wrestle around with a fawn Great Dane and Grayish colored Pit bull ( I have no dogs in real life) in front of the fire. Then for some reason I got up and let them outside, immediately both dogs went running towards the forest barking and growling. In the dream I see no fight just black shadows moving and barking. I was yelling encouraging things to my dog to get the cat and destroy it, and then I started yelling for them to come back. My dream then goes to a close up of the dogs, the leopard was gone but the pit bull was hurt on the ground and wasn't moving. The Great Dane some how nudges the dog up and then the dream goes back to my perspective. I see the dogs limping and bloody walk up the stair come into the house and lie down in front of the fire.

THE REALITY Earlier in the day, the dreamer had tried to talk to a friend about why she was being so distant which went no where. Also, the dreamer had been suffering from a little bit of depression.

THE INTERPRETATION Dreams following some big incident can be easy to explain. In this case the dreamer had been frustrated after trying to resolve a problem with a friend. So how could this dream be consistent with that?

Firstly the dream shows the dreamer being assertive. That surely mimics real life where she was really trying to resolve a problem with her friend. She had made a real effort after spotting a problem. The leopard symbolizes the problem that needs dealing with.

The dogs symbolize her attempts to solve the problem. The dogs are fighting dogs showing her mood - an assertive and confrontational mood aimed at solving a problem. The dogs are injured which show that this attempt at resolving a problem has left her feeling down. Her feelings were a little hurt and injured just like the dogs.

The winter and woods symbolize the nature of the problem. Winter is cold and bleak and can be symbolic of cold and in this case distant emotions.

It seems to make sense.