Going on another mission….

I have been down this road before and it did not lead me to my destination. There was a fork in the road and somehow I went right instead of left. It has been a long journey but I’m prepared for this long walk again.

My walk started yesterday and I will hope to have this pleasant surprise mid 2011. I do still worry that the previous stroll will take its toll on me and I will be discouraged, and talk myself out of it. So far so good right now though.

I went to bed last night thinking about all the things that will change. No more dogs in the bed, no more just getting up and leaving when I feel like it. Shoot, that will be the hardest thing ever.. I love to just get up and go. No warning, just get up and start my plan for the day. My how these things will change but I’m ready for the new challenges.

Just knowing that this could be the time; where I finish my 9 mile walk. Where I have amped myself up enough to know that I will be okay this time. Nothing can stop me. I have trained for this, dreamed about this path, this trail, this nature walk. When walking down this path, I will feel things, smell things, and think things I have never ever thought about before in my life. But for some reason when you’re in a good place and everything is going great, you always think about how good things could get or will be.

Today is the start of my new beginning. I’m so happy right now. I need to hear the sounds of the trees blowing, the squirrels running and the breeze blowing at the tops of the trees. The Blue Jays and Red Robins chirping and little feet running across the floor, these are the sounds I can’t wait to experience. The “Again” mission of becoming one with a living being.

I hope someone would go on this journey with me.

Yes, I worked six days straight last week and when I got off on Saturday; I knew I had lots of things in store for me. I say that today knowing it all worked out fine this weekend but, who am I kidding… I had not real plans. I ended up going to my SIL and BIL house to chill with the family. My MIL was there... She has been there on and off for the past four to five months helping take care of my only niece.

As we always do we eat crabs and had pizza. So much for that diet I was doing so well. I still haven’t drunk a soda in three weeks. I’m very excited about that. I digress…we laugh and take turns telling crazy stories or even sightings of ridiculous things.

After talking to my SIL, she is considering (for real this time) moving to NC. She has three beautiful children. NC is a great place to raise a family. The living is wonderful and the areas are serine. This brings me back to wanting a family to be in my house and loving it. Only a few people know what is going on in my life and it’s so hard to really deal with….Especially after chilling all day with my niece.

So watching the children run and play… Making her smile and jump up and down but as always this one thing runs through my mind. I want Maurice to be here. Then I think why does this feeling come often these days. When I’m having a great time, I get that feeling like I’m missing something in my life. I didn’t cry this time; I went to the kitchen and made some cookies (request from my BIL). “Hey Minnie I think its cookie and Ice Cream time” his exact words. Maybe he saw the look on my face, maybe he knew I was going to another place and he wanted to bring me back to reality or maybe he just wanted me to just make the cookies so he didn’t have to do it. Needless to say making the cookies and seeing the smiles on their faces; because the cookies were hot with a scoop of Ice Cream on top, made me smile. It also gave me hope. Hope that the smallest thing can change your life and most of the time the change isn’t bad. My prayer for a baby will be answered.

It is funny because thinking about making the cookies reminded me of a good friend. It feels like a dream now but that one night was so fun. I can tell you, that smile never came off my face that evening. Cookie dough in the bucket, French Vanilla Breyers Ice Cream and Rickey Gervais show, who could ask for more... We laughed and became our own house comedians, no need for standing ovations we made sure we both got satisfaction that night. This feeling came over me last night to have this person near me. I needed that reassurance that things will be okay. He does that for me…. Even when I’m not always happy with what has become of me, he makes me feel like; I will overcome all things regardless of all my drama and insecurities.

This weekend was a great one. Being able to learn about myself or bring a piece of someone else’s world into my own, it was an awesome time spent with family. What’s life without a little regret, happiness, and sadness? What makes it all worth wild is that regardless, the people who care about you are around and make your life rich with love.
I’m getting excited about the weekends to come, something amazing always happens….

Fear...

What are you most afraid of now?

I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of not having children. I’m afraid of being stuck in one spot and never to move on or up. I’m afraid of not working hard enough to meet my personal goals in life. I’m still afraid of spiders. I’m afraid of death by drowning and afraid of my dogs not living forever.

How have I faced my fears and come through unscathed?

Not sure if I have faced any of these fears. I can tolerate spiders to a point. Never want one to touch me nor be within ten feet from me. I work hard on a daily basis to make sure I succeed in everything I do. I’m still working on the children and never being alone.

Are you afraid of success and what that brings?

Never afraid of success, what it brings is another story. With success come additional problems. People always seem to give you grief because you are doing what makes you happy. I’m never afraid of new challenges so bring them on.

Are you afraid of failure and what that brings?

Failure is not an option for me. I have way too many people depending on me.


A little insert from my book. At the end of each chapter, there are “Get to know your self” sections. I love these because it allows me to find me, the real me, not the person I portray everyday. I have a hard outer shell and most people do not get to experience the softer inside.

Be on the look out for a synopsis of different times in my life. As I’m sure you are very interested in what has happened and what I’m planning for my future. 

My 4th of July weekend

I had such an amazing weekend. For the first time in a long time, I relaxed. I didn’t cook up the entire house nor did I over do anything. I cooked simple but delicious, had enough everything for the 30 + people at the house. The string beans were off the chain, bake beans with my special touch wouldn’t stay in the pan and the seafood pasta salad was gone in 60 seconds. I also made turkey burgers (with my own hands, nothing in a box), beef hamburgers, Nathan’s hot dogs, ribs and chicken. All seasoned to perfection.

Even though the food was to die for, it was the time spent at my home that made me so happy. All the neighbors at the house, drinking and eating and what we do best talking mess to each other. It’s wonderful to see all the happy marriages and families come together at my home. I feel blessed to know each and every one of them. I got to chill with my cousins and had people to play Mario Brothers with me.

Roxy and Jojo loved all the attention but I think they were happier when all the noise was gone. They didn’t eat any of their food because they were so excited. I’m sure they are at peace knowing it comes and goes.

I had a few hiccups this weekend but all seems to be okay. I love me and knowing I can over come anything is what keeps me going. I do have that one aspect of my life missing but I’m sure I will be complete one day. I love him and he is not here. I will love him until I’m able to hold him in my arms and then show him what real love is supposed to feel like. My blessings are soon to come, I just know it.

Getting back at 2am on Monday morning does not feel so bad because I had the best time of my life. Can not wait to get home and have that fun full time. Davenport I love you as you all love me.

Moving on.....

I woke up this morning to an email… My heart has told me its time to move forward. Things happen in life for one reason or another, so all that has happened to me in the past two years, will have meaning soon.

I have become free of my paper bond, my heart bond and my love bond. I’m starting my life over never to look back. The sky is clear and no rain in sight. If I cry myself to sleep at night, it’s only to bear with all that life has thrust upon me. Sometimes the weight is too heavy for me to carry on my shoulders. This doesn’t mean that I’m weak as a person, or I can not handle life… What it means is that I’m human and my heart pumps blood just like the next person. That my heart hurts just like any other woman. I love hard but love genuinely. I’m faithful to my heart.

I have cared and carried people my entire life. I have supported those who have never supported me. In all the hard work I have put in over the past 27 years, I pride myself in never letting people get to me or break my spirit. But for some reason I let this one person break through my mold, solid center block mold. I gave, opened up, did things I wouldn’t do for anyone else on this earth and I have been stepped on and forgotten, talked about just about disrespected. Why do I continue to love so much? How do I stop?

I don’t think I will ever be able to stop loving, but my tactics will be a bit different. Guard my heart forever…even if that means alone and childless, so be it.

Don’t love me and then leave me. Don’t pretend to care when you don’t. Don’t limit my love for you or yours for me. I need people around me that will always be with me and never push me to the side for anything. I need people that will support my ever effort to become a better person around me. Remember how you treat someone will always be with them….

Love those who deserve so much more. Love those who have loved so much.