Loving This Man

Loving this man takes so much of me
He is kind
He is sweet
He keeps me from sleep
He makes me wish I was always touching him
He is just right for me

Loving this man makes me feel like a super star
I feel on top of the world
I feel invincible
I feel like Laura Croft (a bad ass chick w/ guns and mean ass side kick)

Loving this man takes me to another level
He makes me think
He helps me achieve
He give me great advice
He is tells me when I’m wrong and how to fix any problem

Loving this man makes me love me
I’m beautiful in his eyes
I’m perfect for him
We are a match, a Polo shirt with a Tee to match the man on the horse
We were it, like gazelle shades and shell top Adidas

Loving this man makes it easy to be me
He loves the idea of me having his babies
He make sure I’m not doing more than I should
He is what every woman should dream about
He is what you want to hold on to but sometimes you can’t
He is who he is and he is not with me

Loving this man
Is all I ever want to do
Is all I will do
Is all..

A song speaking to my heart today

Alicia Keys- Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart

"Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart, then you can try sleeping in my bed".

Even if you are a million miles away
I could still feel you in my bed
Near me, touch me, feel me

And even at the bottom of the sea
I could still hear it inside my head
Telling me, touch me, feel me
And all the time, you were telling me lies

So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?
Well you could try sleeping in my bed
Lonely, own me, nobody ever shut it down like you

You are the clown, you made my body feel heaven bound
Why don’t you hold me, need me
I thought you told me you’d never leave me

Looking in the sky I could see your face
And I knew right where I fit in
Take me, make me, you know that I’ll always be in love with you
Right till the end

So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

Anybody could’ve told you right from the start it’s ‘bout to fall apart
So why not then hold on to a broken dream or just hold on to love
And I could find a way to make it, don’t hold on too tight
I’ll make it without you tonight

So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

A Quick Catch Up

Two babies!!!! WHAT!!! Am I ready for twins? That’s the question I continue to get from everyone. Or the famous “Your going to be as big as a house“. Either way it goes, I will not care how big I get, as long as my babies are healthy.

I’m very excited about this pregnancy. I had to get maternity pants already because my uterus is growing really fast with two babies. I also started to shop at my favorite store TARGET for maternity shirts. You all know I will never pay full price for anything in TARGET. I got about four shirts for under $3 each. I will be there more often since I will grow out of these clothes very fast.

Medication time…. Yup!!! I’m still taking the PIO shots every night. I’m so ready for this to be over. I have to continue these shots until I’m 10 weeks. I have four more weeks to go. Until the 10th week I will get these shots every night, my bum hurts sooo bad but I have to do this for my babies. I’m also still on my four patches of Estrogen every other day. Lots of medication for another four weeks. Prenatal pills everyday and maybe a Colace here and there. I need to go get another bottle of the Colace, they’re the only thing keeping me regular at this time.

Pain…. Never really knew all that goes along with a twin pregnancy, I know now. I have to chill out a little more. I went to the mall this past Sunday for jeans and may have over exerted myself. I started to cramp and it never stopped . I went to the restroom and was spotting, I immediately got scared and went to the hospital. The babies are doing well. I just have to do less, work less, and take care of me and babies more.

Doctor….Went to my first OB appointment today and discussed what to expect. OMG!!! This is going to be an adventure. I will have a cerclage around 12 or 13 weeks. Bedrest will apparently come sooner then I thought, maybe November. I’m not ready for that so soon. I also will be going to a Maternal Fetal Specialist every other week, so that’s OB one week and MFS the other. I will spend half of this pregnancy in the doctors office. Better safe than sorry. I have to keep my babies safe and healthy. Baby A is the bigger of the two, but Baby B is right behind. Baby A is measuring 6 weeks 5 days and B is 6 weeks 3 days. I am betting on A being a girl and B being a boy.

My next appointment is set for 10/19/2010 for the MFS. I know everything will be great, looking forward to it.

Oh and the most important thing is the due date….. My EDD is May 20th, 2011 (my sisters birthday).

Keep my babies in your prayers.

AM Randomness...

Every morning I wake up it’s another day I feel like, I need to be in C-town. With people around me here I still feel alone. I’m starting to feel like I’m slipping from the high graces of my usual self. I use to open my eyes to a wonderful outlook for that day but now they all seem to run together, as I’m looking for new ways to get home. The long days and even longer nights with my arms wrapped around my belly, make me feel like I have someone to hold me at night. I tend to dream about things or people that I want in my life but for some reason or another it can not happen. They might have been taken to a much better place or they have chosen a different path. It leaves me alone again and again.

So this morning is no different.. I want to just stay in bed and forget about work, forget about eating, driving, and even calling people today. I just want to be in my king size bed with my dogs loving me. The greatest place on earth for me at this time. I want to be home to get that room together, to start with real ideas and get my home the way it used to be. I want to sit in my living room with the TV on but not watch it, just look at the painting on the wall and find myself. I want to go in my back yard and see where I would put a shed and start to map out my pool and playground for my baby. I want to start planting flowers for the spring, and add a sitting wall to my garden area. I have so much I want and need to do but I’m stuck here. I’m stuck with no way out. What if I just leave? How would I care for all the people that depend on me? How would I be able to provide for my child and make sure he/she never wants for anything? So many decisions but nothing is coming to me to make this easy. I have stayed in a place before for love and I’m thinking the same things this time too. Maybe I can get an apartment here and just stay here until I figure it all out. Two bedrooms one for the baby and just live until I can get home. At least I’m able to still take care of business and be happy at the same time.

As you see my mind never stops. When I want to sleep at night I have to think of something that will allow me to sleep or put my mind at ease for a few minutes because I will be up worrying all night. This is so difficult to handle and so difficult to do alone. Maybe I will revisit some things…

Why?

Why when you think you have it all something falls apart?
Why can’t you say good bye, walk away and still be thankful for the time spent?
Why does it feel when your able to make someone else happy, even when its not the best thing for you?
Why must we make hard decisions and live with them everyday, whether they are good or bad?
Why can’t we have it all?
Why must we work so hard to be in the same place every night?
Why do I feel so alone at times?
Why will I go through this process alone?
Why do I cry every night?
Why am I so far away from my paradise?
Why am I still here?
Why do I have to be the one to hold everyone down?
Why isn’t there someone to hold me down?
Why do we fall in love at the wrong time in life?
Why do you find your happiness with someone or something that doesn’t belong to you?
Why must I wait for all good things?
Why do all good things come to an end?
Why does this process have to go so slow?
Why can’t he hold me every night?
Why do I get so emotional when it’s time to leave?
Why must the drive home seem so long?
Why do I love so hard and so faithful?
Why is solitude not a good thing for me most of the time?
Why can’t I go on vacation again? (just to be home)
Why is C-Town the only think that puts a smile on my face these days?
Why am I happy for four hours and things turn for the worst?
Why is this so DAMN hard ?

Why must I ask “why” to questions I may never get the answer too?
None of these questions can be answered; you have to live your life and for the most part allow the dealer to give you a great hand or something you can work with. He will usually take care of the rest.

Why ask why…When why will always be the answer?

Randomness

I haven't been able to sleep the past few days or when I get to sleep I wake up at 5 in the morning and can't get back to sleep. Lots on my mind maybe. So, I figured what better place then my blog, to list the things that have crossed my mind recently.

I'm starting to worry about childcare- Not just the cost, that's really the last thing that I'm thinking about. Finding the right place for my child or children.

Eating properly so my child/children will be healthy.

Not wanting people to know to early- Just those very close to me and also asking them to keep their mouths shut. Lets see how long that last

Driving back and forth to NC while pregnant-Will I do the trip more often or not go back so much, due to the long ride and doing it alone. Maybe I will start to catch a plane. More to think about..

I'm have been very excited about Twins but GEESH!! who am I kidding, that’s more pampers, wipes, food, clothes, daycare, activities, parties and gifts. Do I have enough energy for two at time.


Having to change my entire life style because I will be a mommy soon- no more getting up and packing a bag for me to leave for Philly with no warning. Mommy has to get baby/babies ready and sometimes the dogs. No stopping one time to get to my destination faster. As I'm with child I will stop all the time to use the restroom, once baby/babies are here the stopping becomes for them.

There are lots more but I'm getting tired. Mekhi and Tori are draining me so fast. But its all well worth the fatigue and the sickness.

POAS!!!!

Being excited is not a strong enough word for me to express how I feel right now. I have no words right now. I have been waiting for this for years.

$19.99 Clear Blue 3 pack and two down, both saying PREGNANT!! I have one more left and then on to the doctor on Tuesday. Hopefully, I can get them to do an ultrasound to see how many sacs there are. I'm thinking I have more than one. Which brings me to....

Talking to a dear friend today about daycare for babies. OMG!! I never thought it would cost that much. I will check the Christian Academy again in C-Town because I do not think it cost as much as his center. But I will start taking donations now, if I'm having twins. Because I will have Roxy and Jojo watching my children if I have two at one time. LMAO!

I need to get a list going on all the things needed for a baby so I'm prepared when that time comes. But for right now I'm praying for a healthy pregnancy and baby, everything else will come in time.

I'm going to be a mommy!

Names...

I was asked by a friend if I have thought of any names for the baby or babies. I have and here is what I have thought of lately.

Maurice Antoino--- not sure if I will use this again because this was my first angel name. So, I will think on this very hard.

Mekhi Anthony *
Malachi
Tori Kimberly *
Tiana

I'm sure as the time goes on I will add to this list. And I have to come up with middle names as well.

PUPO

Early appointment, 15 minutes in the procedure room and now a 10 day wait….

When I made it to the office at 9:45am for my 10:30am appointment (yes, excited and scared so I was a bit early) signed in and had a sit. The nurse called my name and we began to walk down, which seemed to be the longest, hallway in the world at that moment. Once we got to the destination I was told to change to a gown, foot booties, a hair net, face mask (once ready to go into the little procedure room).

The procedure room…. A little bigger than a normal OB room, a bit dark but comforting. Flat screen TV on one wall (to see the embies that belong to me), Ultrasound machine (to help guide the Doctor), OB table and lights that are dim. Room clean, a bit bare but full of life. I felt like I was in the best place on earth and it wasn’t Disney.

Before I went into this procedure room a nurse came to talk with me about my frozen babies. Two of them did not survive the thaw but three did. I asked her to transfer all three embies into their proper place. So, as I type this I am Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise (PUPO) with triplets! How exciting is that? OMG! TRIPLETS really? I think I’m excited about maybe twins but hey what the Lord wants the Lord will get. If I’m blessed with just one baby I will be just fine. A baby to love.

I have been having some symptoms, which I’m pretty sure are from some of the meds I’m on. Sore breast, back aches, and light cramping. The back aches and light cramping can be signs of implantation of my embies. I’m rubbing my tummy every night, talking to my babies and praying to the Higher Power for great results. September 10th can not get here fast enough. My world will change for the best. I’m ready for it and welcome all the transformations my body will go through.