Every morning I wake up it’s another day I feel like, I need to be in C-town. With people around me here I still feel alone. I’m starting to feel like I’m slipping from the high graces of my usual self. I use to open my eyes to a wonderful outlook for that day but now they all seem to run together, as I’m looking for new ways to get home. The long days and even longer nights with my arms wrapped around my belly, make me feel like I have someone to hold me at night. I tend to dream about things or people that I want in my life but for some reason or another it can not happen. They might have been taken to a much better place or they have chosen a different path. It leaves me alone again and again.
So this morning is no different.. I want to just stay in bed and forget about work, forget about eating, driving, and even calling people today. I just want to be in my king size bed with my dogs loving me. The greatest place on earth for me at this time. I want to be home to get that room together, to start with real ideas and get my home the way it used to be. I want to sit in my living room with the TV on but not watch it, just look at the painting on the wall and find myself. I want to go in my back yard and see where I would put a shed and start to map out my pool and playground for my baby. I want to start planting flowers for the spring, and add a sitting wall to my garden area. I have so much I want and need to do but I’m stuck here. I’m stuck with no way out. What if I just leave? How would I care for all the people that depend on me? How would I be able to provide for my child and make sure he/she never wants for anything? So many decisions but nothing is coming to me to make this easy. I have stayed in a place before for love and I’m thinking the same things this time too. Maybe I can get an apartment here and just stay here until I figure it all out. Two bedrooms one for the baby and just live until I can get home. At least I’m able to still take care of business and be happy at the same time.
As you see my mind never stops. When I want to sleep at night I have to think of something that will allow me to sleep or put my mind at ease for a few minutes because I will be up worrying all night. This is so difficult to handle and so difficult to do alone. Maybe I will revisit some things…
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