I have been up for that past three days at 4AM. Well, this morning was a bit different… I fell asleep in the basement watching TV; I did wake up a little after I fell asleep to turn the TV off. I had a long day so I did not bother getting off the sofa to my bed.

A bad dream suddently woke me up..

I was in my home in North Carolina. The dogs (which whom I love dearly) were at the patio door as usual if they want to go out. I looked out the door and noticed something in the yard. Didn’t know at the time what it was, but at some point I thought it was a person. As I opened the patio door Jojo my German Shepherd Dog ran out the house and right behind him Roxy my Rottweiler went. They both ran towards this tree. I saw something jump in the tree and my Jojo, jumped up as well. Roxy was on the ground. As Jojo was in the tree I realized what was in my yard. It was a Leopard. The leopard jumped out the tree and ran out a hole in my wood fence (looked as if the leopard made the hole, as if it ran right through the wood fence). As the leopard leaves the yard, Jojo jumps out the tree and walks towards the house, meanwhile Roxy is still in the yard investigating. As Jojo walks up the deck, the leopard returns and walks up the deck as well. My dogs are not fighting or even barking at this animal. I tried to let Jojo in the house because I was scared at that point but the leopard was in front of him closer to the door. As I was telling Jojo to come, he chased the leopard off the deck. They ended up in the yard closer to the hole the leopard made in the fence. As they go closer to the hole the leopard attacked my dog. While this was going on another leopard came into the yard. Roxy tried to go over and help but was being attacked too. I started yelling to my mother "go get the gun, go get the gun". She ran up the stairs, never to return. I had nothing…. I ran upstairs knowing I will be able to see this from my bedroom window and fire the gun off. When I got to my room there was something blocking my view (looked like a wood deck, but my room is on the second floor of the house) and the gun wasn’t loud enough to scare the leopards off. It sounded as if the gun was jammed. I was screaming, crying, and yelling for my dogs.

I woke up!

I woke up crying and breathing really hard. Because I take dreams so literal, I called my mother to check on her and the dogs. Now remember its 4AM. She was okay and so were my fur babies.

Upon further research of what this dream meant, I ran across this dream and definition on a website…. Please remember not all of this persons dream will equate to mine, but all in all the dogs being attacked is what I was reading about.


THE DREAM It was winter and it was night time, there were no clouds in the sky and the ground was covered in thick shiny snow. I must have lived in the country because I had no neighbors, no fence, and my backward turned into a thick forest. My house was huge and light colored, it had a 2 tiered wooden deck that went to the back yard. In the dream I was talking to someone (the person had no face, name, body, but I believe it was a male) and telling the person that there was a leopard in the woods. The person did not believe me so I got a flashlight and right at the edge of the forest we both saw a leopard’s thick tail disappear into the forest. I then gave the person a I told you so speech and we both went inside. I then began to wrestle around with a fawn Great Dane and Grayish colored Pit bull ( I have no dogs in real life) in front of the fire. Then for some reason I got up and let them outside, immediately both dogs went running towards the forest barking and growling. In the dream I see no fight just black shadows moving and barking. I was yelling encouraging things to my dog to get the cat and destroy it, and then I started yelling for them to come back. My dream then goes to a close up of the dogs, the leopard was gone but the pit bull was hurt on the ground and wasn't moving. The Great Dane some how nudges the dog up and then the dream goes back to my perspective. I see the dogs limping and bloody walk up the stair come into the house and lie down in front of the fire.

THE REALITY Earlier in the day, the dreamer had tried to talk to a friend about why she was being so distant which went no where. Also, the dreamer had been suffering from a little bit of depression.

THE INTERPRETATION Dreams following some big incident can be easy to explain. In this case the dreamer had been frustrated after trying to resolve a problem with a friend. So how could this dream be consistent with that?

Firstly the dream shows the dreamer being assertive. That surely mimics real life where she was really trying to resolve a problem with her friend. She had made a real effort after spotting a problem. The leopard symbolizes the problem that needs dealing with.

The dogs symbolize her attempts to solve the problem. The dogs are fighting dogs showing her mood - an assertive and confrontational mood aimed at solving a problem. The dogs are injured which show that this attempt at resolving a problem has left her feeling down. Her feelings were a little hurt and injured just like the dogs.

The winter and woods symbolize the nature of the problem. Winter is cold and bleak and can be symbolic of cold and in this case distant emotions.

It seems to make sense.

The Fur Babies

What does it feel like

When you love someone, you want all of them. What happens to that love when you can't have that person? Does it disappear or just fester until you can not remember what real loves feels like.

The emotion/feeling of love is strange. You never really know who you will fall in love with and what risk you’re taking by lending your heart out. That extra something it does to your soul, should never go away. It hasn't gone away for me. I don't love easily, but when I did fall in love, I fell hard. There is no pulling me out of the deep end. I want to wake up to you holding me, go to sleep with you whispering in my ear, kiss before we brush our teeth in the morning and make love before we both have to dash out to work. That's the love I want back. That's the love I deserve.

When I'm with you my heart skips a beat. The passion we share when we kiss takes my breath away. When we see each other it always feels like the first time, I still get butterflies in my tummy. When you look at me, I can't keep the smile off my face. I feel like I have been touched by an angel every time. The flicker in my heart; when I hear these words "I Love You". That look I give you when we see each other will never fade.

That’s what my real love feels like.

Love is miraculous, and when you find it, don’t let it go!

Reality TV

OMG! Why did my sister get me hooked!!! The Real Housewives of NYC, ATL, OC, and NJ to the Bad Girls Club, these are just a few of my guilty pleasures.

I remember it like yesterday; she was pregnant with my God-Daughter eating Pepperidge Farm White Chocolate and Macadamia Nut cookies. Every visit to the house after work, my sister would be sitting on the chaise, watching a reality TV show. At the time I was so lost on why she needed to watch every show and get so involved in those peoples lives. I soon found out; that those shows are addictive. I walked into her living room not knowing anything about Bad Girls Club or The Real World and walked out wanting to know everything concerning every episode before.

Reality TV is my vice. I’m the same person to say “I don’t care about what a celebrity is doing or how they are living their lives”, but ever week like clock work, I turn to Bravo or Oxygen to watch one of my favorite shows. My thoughts about celebrities haven’t changed at all. I just love the stupid drama they have because it makes me feel so normal or rich with common sense.

With all things you have to take a break…. You can get so wrapped up in Bethenny and Jill’s drama you forget you have a million and one things to do. Watch these shows at your own risk, you will get hooked.

On that note…I can not wait for Bad Girls Club to come back on. I love those girls.

Questions for Your Soul

Have you ever gotten up and questioned your entire life?
Have you thought about all that have gone wrong in your life?
Thought on those things that have made you stronger?
And the same things that have left a black smudge on your heart?

When do we decide enough is enough?
Can you be happy in a F’ed up situation?
Can you heart cry too much?
Is it possible to wash away the black smudge on your heart?

Does being an outsider hurt you?
Have you ever felt lost, so lost all you could do is cry?
Do you have a fear of being alone?
Too many people walked out your life?

Do you just need someone to hug you?
Do you still want someone to kiss your forehead?
Love seems so hard, right?
What comes next?

Feel like you have been waiting for eternity?
Did you have your finger on it?
What to go back?
Are you overwhelmed?

Did you feel passion?
Was it true?
Did it burn, down to your soul?
Was it true?

Have do you handle change?
When will things get back on track?
What is normal for you?
Is this a problem?

What do you do?
How do you fix it?
Can you fix it?
Love has a way of its own, right?

Who Am I?

Describe who you are as a person?

Who am I as a person… Wow, how do I really answer this question? I would like to think I’m a strong, ambitious, caring, motivated, faithful, loving, determined, dedicated, driven (3D Diva), a woman. A black woman. I’m all about advancement in life and my career. I want to be more and do more too get more.

How did you get to where you are right now in your life?

I believe with strong woman around me I have learned many things. I have come from a place where most young girls are having babies, doing drugs, or just out there in the world. I was blessed to have a Mother, God-mother, and Aunt that loved me enough to show me that I needed to be in school and carry myself with dignity.

I have learned so much from them… Each of them lived a different life and traveled a different path, but has learned from life experiences. My strength comes from them. My determination comes from those three women. Still to this day, they are molding me to become a wonderful mother (when it happens), wife, and a better asset to society.

We have to take control of our lives as well. I wanted to be a better person than those other young girls around me. I wanted to be something, do something, and be worth more. I have watch my mother and Aunt go to work for years on years as construction workers; they worked just as hard as all the men on the same job. They wanted out of the same ghetto I was born in… They moved on and made something of their lives. We have to stop blaming society for our down falls. Me being a teen mother, single mother, or just being a mother out of wedlock was not an option for me. I had bigger plans and I’m still growing and adjusting my life goals everyday. I never stop thinking that I am successful. As my SIL would say “speak it into existence”. Success is not an option for me; it’s my reality, it’s a must.

How do you feel about saying no to others?

I don’t have a problem saying no to others. I have a wonderful friend that will disagree with that. I can hear him now, saying “you spoil her or stop doing everything for her”. He sometimes thinks I can not say no to my sister. So, let me answer that question in two parts.

Saying no to family is a bit hard for me. I always feel if I have it they should have it. I do know that some family will take advantage of you. But again, I’m very smart and can tell when someone is being unappreciative. Family in my opinion comes first and they will most of the time have your back in any situation. So, when my sister asks for something, she will usually get it. I love her..

Saying no to others (not family) is not that hard for me. I will never deny anyone of anything if they are deserving of it. I have worked hard in my life. I have been through a lot, nothing was handed to me, and I have learn some hard life lessons, so if I say no to someone, they are not worthy of what they have asked for.

Are you comfortable being alone?

No, No, No, and NO!

I’m not comfortable being alone. Being alone for me is detrimental to my focus. I feel like I am motivated by other people, and being alone is not good for me.

I want to get really deep into this. Why can I not be alone or just being comfortable with myself? I have never really fit into one crowd or another, so I was alone for a lot of my years growing up. Sometimes even when people are around I feel alone. I never thought I fit in my family, I think different, act different, speak different, dress different, and had a totally different outlook on life.

Even though I grew up around my cousins and my brother my life experiences are totally different from theirs. I had it so much harder. Things that seem to hurt me didn’t bother them at all. Was I a cry baby? No, because I held so much inside and never let any of it out. I buried it deep in my soul in hopes it will never come back up. But as we all know, what you hide from, will find you one day.

I have become afraid of being alone physically and emotionally, for many reasons. I have decided not to go into complete detail, but just know that some people need love back. I spread myself so thin with making sure everyone around me is happy, I always seem to forget about me. I so want to be loved the same way I give love. It just never seems to happen. I’m very afraid of being alone now and in the future. I fear being without a husband, children, mother, brother, friends, sister or family.

What are my next steps?

My next steps are to focus on me more. Learn to love and care for me first. There is a saying “You have to make sure your up on both feet, before you try to help someone else up”. I need to live by this saying, easier said than done.

I also want to be happy with a family in my home, become Big Momma in years to come and love what the Lord has blessed me with.

I have thought about going back to school to finish what I have started and have the Dr. to precede my name. I have encouragement from all my family and friends.

Life is supposed to be fun. Ups and downs but fun at all times. Nothing in life will be easy and everything isn’t meant to be hard. Take it all in stride and learn from everything. Who knew you can fall in love in three weeks, care for pets as if they are your children, meet a staff for the first time and they love you as you love them, get so angry but contain yourself because you have learned from the times before, move to another state and love every aspect of waking up in the country, hearing the birds chirp through your beautiful picture window. Life is precious, so I will live everyday as if it was my last. Or at least try my hardest. :)

Eastover

Eastover.... So close to the District of Columbia. To be exact, it is too close to SE DC.

What I see on a daily basis:

Mothers that talk to their children any kind of way. I witnessed a woman talking to her child as if she was a stranger on the street. She used explicit language with a two year old. The child had to use the restroom and her mother all but beat her down.
Has it become acceptable to mistreat our children? A wise older client said to another staff member and myself "be nice to your children, you never know when they will have to care for you". I'm sure that mother has a rude awaking when she gets elderly. People please remember that it’s the scares we don't see, that can ruin lives and change the outcome of a child's potential.

The women on this side of town seem to have their own rules when it comes to clothing. Apparently the size on the pants, shirt, and shoes do not apply to them. I have seen one to many women come into the store with too small shirts or jeans. A respectable man does not want his girlfriend, wife or even side piece showing the crack of her ass or thongs to the world. Ladies, if you wear a 16 please purchase a 16. There is nothing worse than a muffin top that is more like an 18 wheeler tire around your waist.

When you leave the house, even if it’s just to the grocery store, make sure you put on a bra. Who wants to see saggy boobs... Victoria Secret or Lane Bryant is your friend if you have a large breast size. Why have on a "bad" outfit on, if you’re going to wear a $2 bra. Not cute people, not cute at all.

Respect yourself and you will see that most men will respect you as well.

We are in a pet crazed world... I have seen people walk around with the little tiny dogs in handbags. But only the Lord knows why I have seen someone in the grocery store with a 4 month old Pit Bull.... In the shopping cart, WTF!!?? Really?

Only in the hood can I get my car fixed, washed, watched, buy soap, lotion, deodorant, socks, perfume, turtles, chicks (yes, baby chickens), clothes, food, CD's and bootleg movies in front of the grocery store. Hold it! Who doesn't need all these things? LOL I do; but not the chicks or the turtle. Oh and I don't buy bootleg either.

I love my job! ;)

Love Gone Wrong

If you say that love is blind,
does it mean I cannot see?
I was in love with you;
You were in love with me.

But then something changed,
And turned my life around,
My wounds were opened,
My distorted view is upside down.

You were my passion beyound compare,
With a devil may care smile,
You seemed to harbor flair,
You won me over with your guile.

We danced the night away,
By the shores of the Chesapeake,
We were the perfect two,
Now there's no one left but me.

I gave away my heart,
You returned it to me torn,
It was enough to make me wish,
Romance was never formed.

So I guess I'll bid adieu,
To our renegade romance,
But if the chance returns again,
I'll give you another chance.